“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night … whether you’re here or not.”

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story.

After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and
said, “Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?”

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t
expect any hassle from you.   I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless  I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting,
fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and
don’t you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?’

His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

******************************

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.  They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

At breakfast one morning the couple was sitting nude by the opened
bay window when the still lovely, yet aged bride asserted herself, “Well
honey, here we are in the same place we were on our wedding night and
I can’t believe that my nipples are just as HOT for you now as they
were then…”.

The grumpy groom responded, “Hell, I guess so – you’ve got one in the
coffee and one in the damned oatmeal!”

In fact, I do, said the man. After I have sex with my wife for the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my
wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.

This is very interesting, replied the doctor. Let me do some research
and get back to you.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that old buzzard! She replied.

That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second
time is usually in June!

He thought he was God, and I know I am . . . . .

————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

—————————————————————-

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.

—————————————————————

There are really only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

—————————————————————

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

——————————————————————–

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.

“I’ve been divorced three times. ”

—————————————————————-

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

—————————————————————

It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

The reason why . . . . . All the DNA is the same.

————————————————————–

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

—————————————————————-

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.