Posts Tagged ‘preacher’
Spare the Rod
In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut
that shit out, I’d kick his ass off the plane.”
AMEN
PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was
approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible
mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,…
“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”.
More Man and Wife
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly as her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. ”
Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives. ”
Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “It is but a minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “That would be just a penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “Yes, in a minute.”
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said “Yes”.
The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”
Man and Wife
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I know I am . . . . .
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are really only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.
“I’ve been divorced three times. ”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
The reason why . . . . . All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.