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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly as her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. ”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives. ”

Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “It is but a minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “That would be just a penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “Yes, in a minute.”

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said “Yes”.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night … whether you’re here or not.”

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was
approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible
mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”.

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.  They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they
decided to revisit the same island resort at which they’d spent their honeymoon.

At breakfast one morning the couple was sitting nude by the opened
bay window when the still lovely, yet aged bride asserted herself, “Well
honey, here we are in the same place we were on our wedding night and
I can’t believe that my nipples are just as HOT for you now as they
were then…”.

The grumpy groom responded, “Hell, I guess so – you’ve got one in the
coffee and one in the damned oatmeal!”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I know I am . . . . .

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Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

—————————————————————-

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.

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There are really only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

——————————————————————–

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.

“I’ve been divorced three times. ”

—————————————————————-

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

—————————————————————

It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

The reason why . . . . . All the DNA is the same.

————————————————————–

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t
expect any hassle from you.   I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless  I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting,
fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and
don’t you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?’

His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

******************************

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man: You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?

In fact, I do, said the man. After I have sex with my wife for the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my
wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.

This is very interesting, replied the doctor. Let me do some research
and get back to you.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that old buzzard! She replied.

That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second
time is usually in June!

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the
local court of a small, remote village. During the proceedings, custody of
the children was the big problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story.

After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and
said, “Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?”