—————————————————————

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly as her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

—————————————————————

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

————————————————————-

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. ”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives. ”

Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

————————————————————–

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “It is but a minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “That would be just a penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “Yes, in a minute.”

—————————————————————

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

—————————————————————

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”

—————————————————————

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said “Yes”.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his
Passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, Monsieur?’ the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. ‘Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The elderly gentleman said,
‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible’ said the customs officer.
‘The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!’
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
‘Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944,
I couldn’t find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to!!!

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is matzoh ball soup.”

On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. “Try it; if you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”

Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual “Mmmmmmmmm” sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.

“That was awesome!” the man said. “Can you eat any other parts of a matzoh?”

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut
that shit out, I’d kick his ass off the plane.”

AMEN

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR …

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD
GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THEIR PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL”?

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTI, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HAEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN A CHINESE MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21″ and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34″ and another roar of laughter rose up.

Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out” His friend said, well we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number” Phil nodded and said “Can I try?”  His friend nodded and Phil called out “121″ and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle “We haven’t heard that one before.”

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

“So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger” ..

“In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”

“Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests”

“What is your FIRST request ???’

The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear,  and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening,  Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on  his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed..
“You have a very fine and loyal horse”,
“But I will still kill you in two days.”

“What is your SECOND request ???”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought  to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before,  Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening,  to the Chief’s surprise,

Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette,  more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents,”
“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”

“What is your LAST request ???”

The Lone Ranger responds,

“I’d like to speak to my horse,  ….  alone.”

The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR… THE… LAST… TIME…

I SAID …

“BRING  POSSE”

Thibodeaux was fishing one day when he had a heart attack and died. The next day Thibodeaux’s wife, Ada, placed the obituary in the Crowley, Louisiana newpaper that read, “Thibodeaux done died!” The newspaper called Ada and explained that she could add some details since the obituary could be 10 lines long. She corrected the ad and the next day it ran stating, “Thibodeaux done died! Boat for sale!”