Kou Kou’s

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your
Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!’

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me some.’

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘Si Senor, Sometimes the bull
wins.’

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was
approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible
mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they
decided to revisit the same island resort at which they’d spent their honeymoon.

At breakfast one morning the couple was sitting nude by the opened
bay window when the still lovely, yet aged bride asserted herself, “Well
honey, here we are in the same place we were on our wedding night and
I can’t believe that my nipples are just as HOT for you now as they
were then…”.

The grumpy groom responded, “Hell, I guess so – you’ve got one in the
coffee and one in the damned oatmeal!”

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man: You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?

In fact, I do, said the man. After I have sex with my wife for the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my
wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.

This is very interesting, replied the doctor. Let me do some research
and get back to you.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that old buzzard! She replied.

That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second
time is usually in June!

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She’s just skating
along in her lycra shorts, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut.

She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser
and says, “I need a haircut.”

The hairdresser checks her out and says, “OK, sit down and take off your
headphones.”

“No way!” shouts the blonde, “If I take off my headphones, I’ll die!”

“Then I can’t give you a haircut,” replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk.
She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, “I need a
haircut… but you can’t take off my headphones or I’ll die!”

The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, “OK, no problem.
Have a seat.” So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up
behind her, and when she isn’t looking, he rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face,
then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is
a little freaked by this. He leans over and cautiously listens into the
blonde’s headphones and he hears…

“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly as her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. ”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives. ”

Al said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “It is but a minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “That would be just a penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “Yes, in a minute.”

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”

—————————————————————

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said “Yes”.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I know I am . . . . .

————————————————————-

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

—————————————————————-

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.

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There are really only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

——————————————————————–

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.

“I’ve been divorced three times. ”

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

The reason why . . . . . All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

T-Boy saw an ad in the paper about a FREE RIVER CRUISE so he went to the travel agency in Lafayette. He told the lady behind the desk why he was there. The woman punched a hidden button, two big fellas came up behind T-Boy, beat him up, took his wallet, and stuff him in a crawfish sack. Then they drug him out back and throwed him into the bayou.

A little bit later Joubert walks in to claim his free cruise. The woman hits that button again and sure enough two big bastards sprung out, beat him up, stuff him in a sack, stole his wallet, and throw him out back into the bayou too.

A couple miles down the bayou the two Cajuns was floating along and bump into one another. T-Boy said to Joubert, “I wonder if dey gonna serve beer on this cruise?”

Joubert replies,”I doubt it. They didn’t serve a damn thing last year.”

Take you time and answer each question.

Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
How do you dial a pushbutton phone?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If a brown cow eats green grass why is it’s milk white?
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?