Back and Forth Marriage
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:
‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting,
fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and
don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?’
His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’
(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)
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Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!’
‘Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
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Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no
good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,’ Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections..
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home Mother of Six?’
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, ‘Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.’
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
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THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece
of paper,’Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake
up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
************** ***************************
Send this to smart women who need a laugh
and to men you think can handle it.
The Passport
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his
Passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, Monsieur?’ the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. ‘Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The elderly gentleman said,
‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible’ said the customs officer.
‘The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!’
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
‘Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944,
I couldn’t find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to!!!
Ad Agency
A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.
He meets with the Pope: “Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantial donation to the Holy Mother Church – but there’s only one condition….”
“Yes, my son?”
“We’d like you to authorize changing the Lord’s Prayer from “Give us this day our daily bread to give us this day, our daily chicken.”
“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”
“Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this.”
“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”
So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.
“Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change “Give us this day our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.”
The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, “Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow.”
Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Priests the whole Vatican family is there.
He says to them, “Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news….”
“The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!”
(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)
“Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!”
Life Questions
1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR …
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD
GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THEIR PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL”?
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTI, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HAEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN A CHINESE MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Lone Rangers Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
“So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” ..
“In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”
“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
“What is your FIRST request ???’
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed..
“You have a very fine and loyal horse”,
“But I will still kill you in two days.”
“What is your SECOND request ???”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents,”
“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
“What is your LAST request ???”
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR… THE… LAST… TIME…
I SAID …
“BRING POSSE”
The Saucer and the Pail
There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.
The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.
The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.
The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.
The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method. They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.
Spare the Rod
In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut
that shit out, I’d kick his ass off the plane.”
AMEN
Matzoh Balls
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. “Try it; if you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”
Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual “Mmmmmmmmm” sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.
“That was awesome!” the man said. “Can you eat any other parts of a matzoh?”
Brand New Joke
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21″ and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34″ and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out” His friend said, well we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number” Phil nodded and said “Can I try?” His friend nodded and Phil called out “121″ and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle “We haven’t heard that one before.”
Layoffs are Hard
There was a manager who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at
least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees,
Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their
reactions help guide his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he
didn’t want to lose his job, but he understood the boss’s situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, ‘Mary, I’ve got a problem; By the end of
the day, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off…’
And Mary says, ‘Then you’re gonna have to jack off. I’ve got a headache!’