“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”

His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night … whether you’re here or not.”

Doc:  ‘I want you to eat regular for 2 days, then skip a day, and do that over and over for 2 weeks.  The next time I see you, you should have lose at least 5 pound.’

When Thibodeaux come back, he shocked the doctor cause he lost over 50 lbs!

‘Damn, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

Thibodeaux nodded…’I'll tell you though, I thought I wuz gonna drop flat dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.

Thibodeaux:  ‘Heck no, it wuz from from all dat damn skippin!!!

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story.

After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and
said, “Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?”

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all
your crose.” The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me…” As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

“Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I
ever see! Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?”

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: “Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your butt.”

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?’

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied , ‘Everything but my
earrings.’

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day.. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.

‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’
the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!’

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied.
‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked,

‘Got any I. D. ?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from South Carolina

‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.’

There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
patients.  I know most of us have experienced this and I love the way this
old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.

The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the
doctor for today?”

He replied, “There’s something wrong with my dick.”

The receptionist became irritated and said,

“You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say
things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.”

The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with
the doctor in private.”

“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of
strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he
walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.”

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
had taken

her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it.”

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose!