A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.

He meets with the Pope: “Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantial donation to the Holy Mother Church – but there’s only one condition….”

“Yes, my son?”

“We’d like you to authorize changing the Lord’s Prayer from “Give us this day our daily bread to give us this day, our daily chicken.”

“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”

“Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this.”

“I don’t know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.”

So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.

“Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change “Give us this day our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.”

The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, “Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow.”

Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Priests the whole Vatican family is there.

He says to them, “Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news….”

“The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!”

(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)

“Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!”

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut
that shit out, I’d kick his ass off the plane.”

AMEN

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is matzoh ball soup.”

On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. “Try it; if you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”

Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual “Mmmmmmmmm” sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.

“That was awesome!” the man said. “Can you eat any other parts of a matzoh?”

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was
approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible
mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”.