Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
A New Year Wish
Happy New Year everyone. Here is a personal message to all my friends who insit of forwarding their emails to me…
Old Farmer’s Advice
Nuggets of wisdom – Old Farmer’s Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don ‘t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he’ll just kill you.
Southern Comfort
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied , ‘Everything but my
earrings.’
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day.. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’
the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!’
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’. ‘Yep’, he replied.
‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked,
‘Got any I. D. ?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
And this from South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.’
The Passport
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his
Passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, Monsieur?’ the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. ‘Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The elderly gentleman said,
‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible’ said the customs officer.
‘The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!’
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
‘Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944,
I couldn’t find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to!!!
Lone Rangers Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
“So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” ..
“In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”
“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
“What is your FIRST request ???’
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed..
“You have a very fine and loyal horse”,
“But I will still kill you in two days.”
“What is your SECOND request ???”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents,”
“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
“What is your LAST request ???”
The Lone Ranger responds,
“I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR… THE… LAST… TIME…
I SAID …
“BRING POSSE”
Brand New Joke
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21″ and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34″ and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out” His friend said, well we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number” Phil nodded and said “Can I try?” His friend nodded and Phil called out “121″ and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle “We haven’t heard that one before.”