Kou Kou’s

Archive for July, 2009

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.  They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut
that shit out, I’d kick his ass off the plane.”

AMEN

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is matzoh ball soup.”

On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. “Try it; if you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”

Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual “Mmmmmmmmm” sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.

“That was awesome!” the man said. “Can you eat any other parts of a matzoh?”

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21″ and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34″ and another roar of laughter rose up.

Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out” His friend said, well we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number” Phil nodded and said “Can I try?”  His friend nodded and Phil called out “121″ and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle “We haven’t heard that one before.”

There was a manager who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at
least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees,
Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their
reactions help guide his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he
didn’t want to lose his job, but he understood the boss’s situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, ‘Mary, I’ve got a problem; By the end of
the day, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off…’

And Mary says, ‘Then you’re gonna have to jack off.  I’ve got a headache!’

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your
Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!’

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me some.’

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘Si Senor, Sometimes the bull
wins.’

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety
of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was
approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible
mentions PMS.” The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they
decided to revisit the same island resort at which they’d spent their honeymoon.

At breakfast one morning the couple was sitting nude by the opened
bay window when the still lovely, yet aged bride asserted herself, “Well
honey, here we are in the same place we were on our wedding night and
I can’t believe that my nipples are just as HOT for you now as they
were then…”.

The grumpy groom responded, “Hell, I guess so – you’ve got one in the
coffee and one in the damned oatmeal!”

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man: You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?

In fact, I do, said the man. After I have sex with my wife for the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my
wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.

This is very interesting, replied the doctor. Let me do some research
and get back to you.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that old buzzard! She replied.

That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second
time is usually in June!